Stop Being Cheap (in Relationships) – Part Two

Don’t be cheap in relationships.

(This is the second post of a two-part series on how “being cheap” can negatively affect all aspects of your your life. Read part one here.)

Did you know that it’s possible for a person to be cheap in a relationship and, it would have NOTHING to do with money? In Part One of “Stop Being Cheap” we took a look at how being cheap can diminish the quality of our lives by causing us to have a “miser’s mentality”. But being cheap can also diminish the quality of our relationships, especially with our significant other. Let’s take a look and see how.

But first, let’s look at some definitions for the word “cheap”. (And later on, I’m going to show you how being “cheap” can apply to both sides of a relationship. The giving AND receiving aspects.)

The word “cheap” can mean:

  1. Charging low prices
  2. Requiring little effort
  3. Of little value
  4. Vulgar
  5. Stingy

Okay, let’s look at the first definition, “charging low prices”.

There are some people that don’t recognize their worth. They will enter into any relationship that comes their way, just so that they can fill some type of emotional or psychological need. These are people that hate being alone.

They may have low self-esteem, and feel that they had better “take what they can get” when comes it to relationships. They may have no, or very low, standards for how they are to be treated. And often they will put up with all kinds of physical or emotional abuse. This type of person gets their self-value from others, and outside of themselves.

I’m sure you can recognize the type. That beautiful friend whose boyfriend cheats as on her as if it’s his birthright…but she stays with him. Or worse, she makes excuses for him.

Then there’s the friend whose girlfriend is partying at the club from Wednesday to Sunday, while leaving him home with their children.

It’s sad.

And often these people will know that they deserve better, but can not pull themselves away because they don’t FEEL like they deserve better.

You can do better! You deserve better! You can have better!

You ARE worth more.

Your value does not come from others. It comes from you. You set your own price. You can set it high or low. The choice is yours. The interesting thing is that people will accept whatever YOU decide.

I challenge you to place a high value on yourself.

The second definition is “requiring little effort”.

There are some people that can be bought with a cheeseburger.

No joke.

Any amount of attention received, no matter how small, can capture their heart.

These are the people that jump into relationships at the first sign of someone’s interest.

They don’t make the other person prove their authenticity, interest, or commitment.

Now, I don’t subscribe to the notion that people should put others through a Navy Seal PT style qualification test.

However, I do believe that no one should sell themselves short, or jump at any and every sign of interest.

Relationships should be built on mutual interest and effort.

I understand that sometimes a gem can not be recognized because of what’s covering it. But I don’t believe that a person should take advantage of another person’s interest in them. If someone likes, and is interested in you, then give them an honest chance to prove it. And let them show you why they are the best choice for you.

And if you are interested in someone, then put forth your best effort to let them know why you are the best choice for them.

The next definition for cheap is “of little value”.

Now this goes both ways.

If you are in a relationship then you should be giving AND receiving some type of value. You can’t be worthless! And you shouldn’t accept worthless! If both of you are not growing and becoming better people then something is wrong.

Some people bring so little to the table that if it was solely on them the relationship would starve.

Being in a relationship means that you are willing to give.

What you give depends on what you have, are, and are willing to become. This means that the other person in the relationship should be receiving something. They must be receiving some type of tangible reward.

There are some people that bring nothing to their relationships except open hands and an empty heart.

They may be physical gold diggers (they want money, sex, food, etc.), or emotional ones (they want affirmation, confirmation, validation, etc.). And because of their selfishness they give little. They are only focused on their own needs and what THEY want.

Give value in your relationships.

If you are going to be in a relationship then be willing to pour abundance into the life of the other person.

And on the other side, make sure that the other person knows that you are a valuable individual that has something precious to offer.

You don’t have to brag or flaunt your worth in the other person’s face.

However, there should be no doubt on how you are adding to the other person’s life.

The next definition of cheap is “vulgar”.

Being vulgar in a relationship can mean being crudeusing obscene or harsh language, or treating the other person with contempt.

Have you ever seen a relationship where one person cracks demeaning jokes at the other person’s expense?

Or how about where one partner is constantly hurling four letter “words” at the other.

And how about a couple that are so antagonistic towards each other that you wonder why they are even together?

Relationships should be uplifting.

And it’s hard to rise when your partner uses words to cut you down.

Now, I’ve seen couples that are BOTH like that.

It seems as if they’re playing a game of “Let’s see who can be the most offensive and shocking”.

Personally, I don’t understand it.

But I’ll never be in it, so I guess it’s not for me to understand.

I’m not talking about that kind of dysfunction. I’m talking about instances where people just don’t care what they say to their partner. They say hurtful things because they don’t care about the impact of their words.

They know that words have power and they choose to use that power as a tyrant.

If that’s you…STOP it!

Put some thoughtful consideration into how you relate to your partner.

Think about the affect that your words can have on your relationship.

And no matter how funny you think something is, jokes, smart remarks, and sarcasm can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. (It could be called “death by a thousand cuts”.)

And if you happen to be in a relationship where you are on the other end of this type of language, I would suggest that you take some time to truly understand why you’re there. And what benefit that you are receiving. And then ask yourself, “Are the benefits worth giving up my self-respect?”

You are worth more.

You don’t have to put up with someone who can not show their respect for you by the words that they choose.

The final definition that we’ll take a look at is “Stingy”.

Now this can be applied to several different aspects of a relationship. It may not seem like it, but it can. Just read on and you’ll see how.

Being stingy means to hold backgive reluctantly, and not be generous.

One way to be stingy in a relationship is to hold back the emotional or physical signs of love and care that should flow through a relationship.

Some people have a hard time expressing love, care, or interest.

Sometimes this can be the result of childhood issues, difficulties from past relationships, or fear of intimacy. The person may feel too vulnerable, and not want to put themselves “too far out there”. Whether the person realizes it our not, they are being stingy (cheap).

They are holding back the exact things that would give depth to the relationship.

These things could be compliments, hugs, encouragement, a gentle touch, or anything else that allows the other person to feel valued and appreciated.

And then there are some people that will withhold those things as a way to punish or manipulate the other person.

They understand how we as humans crave those things, and they will use withholding them as a way to gain power or control.

That’s a loser move! Don’t do it! And don’t stand for it!

Relationships should be nurturing.

A sort of haven where we are refreshed, and refreshing others.

If you have a hard time expressing intimacy, work through it.

Get to the root of the problem.

You may be able to read a good book to help you sort those things out. Or it may take you going to see some type of counselor or therapist. The important thing to remember is that you deserve to be whole. And withholding love, affection, or emotional support is not the actions of a whole person.

And if you are in a relationship with someone like that, then maybe you should take a look into the “why” of you being there.

Are you trying to gain that person’s approval? Are they a “special project” for you? Are you just happy to be in a relationship and will accept any thing? Don’t allow yourself to be shortchanged.

And the last two definitions of stingy, as it relates to being cheap, are “give reluctantly, and not be generous”.

To give reluctantly means to give unwillingly, or with hesitation.

In relationships, this could mean not wanting to compliment someone because we feel they may become “big-headed”. Or, it could mean only giving a compliment to someone only after others have complimented them. Or, it could mean making the other person beg for our time.

And “not be generous” can mean hardly ever saying positive words of encouragement, not giving sufficient time to the relationship, or never giving our loved one tokens of affection.

Nobody likes a stingy person.

And being stingy in a relationship is selfish and self-centered.

Give freely to those you love. Give of yourself. Give of your time.

Give freely as if it’s a joy for you to be able to give.

And the things that you give will eventually flow back to you in abundance.

Don’t be cheap.

Especially when it comes to love and relationships.

(Are you on Twitter? Let’s connect. Find me at @attractandkeep.)

(Photo courtesy of Thomas R. Stegelmann)

Stop Being Cheap – Part One

Picture of a miser.

Don’t be cheap!

Stop being cheap. That’s an important life lesson that I had to learn that has tremendously improved my life. It’s something that I believe that many other people probably need to learn too.

I believe that being cheap can block your blessings. And not only that but, I also believe that it can cause mental trauma, self-esteem issues and a miser’s mentality.

What!!!”, you may be saying to yourself. “All of that?”

Yes, and I’ll explain.

Words are powerful.

The Bible says that there is “life and death” in the power of the tongue.

Words have inspired people to build nations. Words have brought down nations. They have inspired people to reach for the highest heights of development. Words have motivated people to work for the betterment of society. And they have caused people to lay down their lives for principles in which they believed.

Words move us. They inspire us. They lead our minds down paths that can ultimately lead to success or failure.

And when a person is constantly infusing their mind with negative words the mind begins to outwardly manifest that negativity in the person’s life.

Now, what does that have to do with being cheap?

Okay, I’ll tell you. But first let me pose a few questions to you.

How would you feel if your child’s school sent home a note that said that they’d gotten a great deal on some CHEAP food and, would start serving it tomorrow for lunch?

What would you say to the doctor that told you right before your open heart surgery that he had saved you a few bucks on the heart valve that he was about to implant in you by buying a cheap one?

How would you feel if your close friends and family came up to you at the celebration of your biggest accomplishment and, said these things: “I got this cheap gift for you to show how much I care about you”, or “They had better gifts than this but this one was cheaper”, or “I think the world of you and I got you a cheap gift to show you”.

Now I know that some people will probably say, “But it’s the thought that counts”.

And I agree.

And in a way that saying proves my point.

What thoughts enter your mind when you hear the word “cheap”? Is it love? Thoughtfulness? Consideration? Abundance? Quality?

Probably not.

You probably think of “inferior”, “low-quality”, or “low value”.

A gift is a way of expressing appreciation.

Love and care can be a gift. And those things can’t be valued in terms of money.

When I use the word cheap, I’m not just talking about money. I’m talking about a mentality. Having a “cheap” mentality.

A mentality that is always looking for “cheap”, “cheaper”, or the “cheapest”. I’m also talking about word choice. And the power that words have in helping to chart the direction of our lives.

I believe that when we continually focus on “cheap”, we will eventually come to believe that “cheap” is our worth.

We start believing that inferior, low-quality, and low value is all that we deserve. We accept those things as how life is suppose to be. And it’s not.

We begin to accept those traits in our relationships and our daily lives. We settle.

Now I totally understand the economic climate that we live. Times can be hard and we should try to be wise and faithful stewards of our resources. Every dollar that we earn or receive should be valued and appreciated. I believe that we should always try and find ways to get the most out of our money.

I enjoy finding a good “bargain”. (Notice my word choice.) I like finding a good sale on something that I need at a price lower than I expected to pay. It’s okay to be frugal.

I believe that the damage happens when we become obsessive about it. When we focus on “cheap” instead of focusing on “getting the best value”, or “saving money”.

And here’s a quick thought:

When people say that they saved money because they bought “cheap”, do they take that money and put it in a savings or investment account where it can REALLY provide them with more value? Or do they use it to buy more “cheap”?

Being cheap can damage our minds because it can reinforce the belief that things are never worth the cost that we have to pay. And that’s just not true.

And having a cheap mentality can be especially harmful to entrepreneurs because we get back from the world what we put out. And if the only thing that you send out is, “cheap, cheaper, or cheapest”, then how will you feel when a person only wants the same in exchange for your product or service?

What will you say when a person wants you to devalue your work to a level that they deem appropriate? Or wants you to give a discount on the time, energy, and hard work that you’ve invested in your offering.

It’s no fun. It’s disheartening. And it can be depressing.

In my opinion, being cheap is a quick way to becoming miserly.

It’s a form of selfishness because it’s focus can lead to hoarding. Picture that…a selfish miserly hoarder! Would YOU want to be that type of person? (A fist held tight can not receive.)

Finding a bargain can be fun. Saving money is great! Comparison shopping is wise. But being cheap is not always a good thing.

It’s okay to pay full price. It’s okay to sometimes spend a little extra. It’s okay to buy things based on their value to you without regard to their costs.

However, it’s not okay to be wasteful, foolish, or a spendthrift.

Now, after reading this you may think that it’s just a matter of words.

And you’d be right.

It is.

(Are you on Twitter? Let’s connect. Find me at @attractandkeep.)

 

Here’s a list of words that can be substituted for the word cheap:

Inexpensive, low-cost*, economical, modest, nominal.

*(Notice that even Walmart advertises itself as “the low-cost leader”.)

Renew! An Encouragement Post To Give You A Lift

Today is the sunrise of your life. (Photo: Christian Thiergan)

Today is the sunrise of your life. (Photo: Christian Thiergan)

This post is a renewal of sorts for me. It serves as the first post for the AttractandKeep.com relaunch. I’ve decided that in addition to relationship and dating topics, I’ll also be focusing on motivational and inspirational themes as well. I think we all need a little motivational and inspirational encouragement at times. I hope that this post will encourage you to step out and BE BOLD. Live your life with purpose. Pursue your goals and dreams, and be the best YOU that you can be. Read and be encouraged.

This is an encouragement post. My only purpose for this post is for it to encourage you and, hopefully, inspire you to be the best you that you can be. This can be the year that you finally start to make your breakthrough.

You can do it.

Decide to make this year one of the best that you’ve ever lived.

You want a loving romantic relationship?

Decide on what you want in that relationship and then develop in yourself the characteristics that would attract it.

You want to start your own business?

Pick one of your hobbies that you could turn into a business and then do it.

You want to improve your personal appearance or social life?

Write down what you want and then go after it and make it happen.

Right now, today, this very minute, is the best time for you to make a commitment to yourself to become the you that you always wanted to be.

It doesn’t matter what “they” think you can do, it only matters what YOU think (and then know) that you can do.

Don’t settle.

Don’t diminish yourself or your dreams.

I believe that there is a God that created each one of us for a specific purpose. Just think about how special and unique you are.

There is NO one that has ever lived, or will live, that will be EXACTLY like you.

And if God created a purpose specifically for you, then that means that your life has value. And there is something that the world needs that only you can provide.

I understand that we all get down in the dumps sometimes.

It happened to me the other day.

For some reason, I felt like I was living like a hamster running backwards on a treadmill. I felt discouraged because it often seems like I’m not achieving my goals and dreams fast enough.

Have you ever felt like that?

Have you ever got downright disgusted with yourself because you felt like you should be farther ahead than you are?

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and live life over? Go back and take advantage of all of the opportunities that you wasted.

Well, guess what.

You can’t.

And neither can I.

We’re stuck in the present.

But guess what. Although we can’t go back and change yesterday’s past, we can start creating tomorrow’s. And the way that we do that is by making the most of our present.

Tomorrow’s past is made up of the present.

Decide what you want to be and start being it.

Decide what you want to have and then make a plan and go get it.

Decide what you want to do in life and then do it.

You can have it. You can be it. You can make it happen.

You can change the course of your life by making a decision to change.

Just do it!

Your life will never be all that it can be unless you actively and, consciously make an effort to grow into more.

And once your decision is made to be your best, then make a simple plan of ways to become your best. It doesn’t have to be a long and complex one. Just a few lines on what steps that you can take to create the life that you want.

The next step would be to “just do it”.

Start with the simplest and easiest thing that you can do. Do that one thing.

And then move on.

And then move on to the next.

And then keep going until you build your momentum up to the point that you are being carried along by the force of your actions.

The way that I got out of my slump was to: 1) Acknowledge it, 2) tell myself that my time is coming, and 3) get back to work on my plan.

One of the best things that I believe that you can do to start the process of creating a better life for yourself is to become your own cheerleader.

Talk to yourself in a positive way.

Drown out your negative thoughts (and the negative opinions of others) by bombarding those thoughts with positive ones.

Tell yourself that your time is coming because it has to come. Tell yourself that success will be yours because you are willing to pay whatever price success is going to charge you. Tell yourself that no one is going to create your best life for you.

Get mad. Get excited. Get angry.

And then get busy!

And even if you feel like you are doing what you were destined to be, stretch yourself and see if you can be more.

Your best is waiting for you to come get it.

(Are you on Twitter? Let’s connect. Find me at @attractandkeep.)