“Here’s One Lie That Men Tell Women”

Crossed-Fingers

Photo by: Katie Tegtmeyer

This post was inspired by a query sent out by a reporter who asked the question: “What’s A Lie That Men Tell? And Why Do They Tell It?”. Below is my response to her question.

Here is one lie that men tell women: “It’s not you, it’s ME!

And here’s why they tell it.

A man will tell this lie to a woman because he wants to get out of the relationship but, he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. (Of course it’s her!)

Men will go to great lengths to avoid hurting a woman’s feelings.

There is usually no consideration that what they are doing or saying could possibly end up hurting the woman more than if they just tell the truth.

Many men underestimate the emotional strength of women.

They feel like if they tell a woman who they are in a relationship with that they are not happy then, the woman will fall to pieces and become an “emotional wreck”.

No man wants to see a woman cry. A woman’s tears are like kryptonite to most men!

Many men would rather risk being seen as a “heel” than to hurt a woman’s feelings.

Men must come to realize that women are not fragile like glass and, don’t need to be coddled. Men must learn to speak with the same directness that women do.

We, as men, must be able to have the tough conversations without regard to generalities, stereotypes or fear. 

What do you think? Have you ever heard “It’s not you, it’s me” before? Have you ever said that? Share thoughts in the Comments section.

Are you on Twitter? Let’s connect @attractandkeep.com.

Lessons in Love

love-blocks

(This is a special guest post by the author, KT Elgin.)

Often we consider how we learn to love and consider and reconsider the lessons we have learned about how to love.

It occurred to me that my father, who has been a constant in my life, taught me my first lessons of how to be loved.

He and my mother have been married for close to 45 years and I watched him first love my mother. He still compliments her everyday and calls her just to say I love you.

As a little girl my dad told his three girls that we were reminders that God existed. So as women we believed we were valuable.

Now admittedly, we were all spoiled just a bit by my dad, but he would say it was because we were deserving. So as a woman, I understand that I am deserving of love. Today these lessons of love I learned from my father are what help to guide me in my journey to finding my own husband. However, the lessons I have recently learned on how to love, I have gained from my nephews.

My nephews have taught me that loving a man requires patience and reassurance that helps to subside their spoken and unspoken doubts in themselves.

This is not to say that men are balls of insecurities, not at all. Because for everything my beautiful nephews doubt about themselves, they are quick to remind me of all the things that they are the best at doing.

But there are those moments, if you are fortunate enough for them to trust you to open up and share; you quickly realize how the world diminishes the number of outlets for them to express their fears and concerns, without their masculinity being questioned.

When my youngest nephew asks, “do you think that was a smart answer?” And I tell him I think that was a “brilliant answer,” I mean it.

I don’t say it just to placate him, but I really have found that this 6 year old really does have some brilliant responses, but he is unsure of just how smart he is. In comparison, when in relationships with previous partners I felt they didn’t need me to affirm them, hell they were men, right?

But the lessons in love I have learned from these two boys, I am thrilled to take into my next relationship.

I will remember that in the moments that he trusts me enough to share his fears or doubts with me are to be treasured.

I understand that although he may lose the innocence of my 6 year old nephew and how he asks the questions, may change; my earnest response that reminds him of just how good I believe he is the right response.

I have learned that instead of thinking,” you’re the man right?” If I believe him to be the right man for me, he requires thoughtful delicacy in how I respond in that treasurable moment.

The lessons of how to be loved learned from my father, combined with how I will choose to love, that I have learned from my nephews will make the next man I fall in love with very lucky.

Loving is a choice, but loving someone as they deserve to be love requires constant reflection on our own lessons of love.

We must be willing to correct or change lessons that fail us and refuse without exceptions to yield lessons that we know to be right.

I look forward to hearing from you and what lessons you have learned along the way on your journeys to love.

KT Elgin

What do you think? What lessons have you recently learned about loving. Share some of your experiences in the comments section below. (And let’s link up on Twitter: @attractandkeep.)

3 Important Questions Men Ask Themselves Before They Commit To A Relationship (Or Will Make Her Bae)

holding-hands

There are three questions that most men will ask themselves before they wholeheartedly commit themselves to a woman.  

These questions have nothing to do with love because love is a given. I don’t believe a majority of men will marry, or commit to a woman, if they don’t really love her. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen because I’m sure it happens all the time.

The kind of commitment that I’m referring to is the kind that makes a man want to turn in his “player card” and go “all in”.

I’m talking about the questions that a man will ask himself before he emotionally, not rationally, commits his all to a woman.

These are the questions that men use as a measuring stick to determine is she is “the one”.

Here we go!

Number One:

Can I take her home to mama?

There’s a picture that my brother gave to my mother as a gift that says, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

This is a true statement on so many levels!

A man’s mother is his sounding board.

His rock!

Every man (at least most) wants his mother to be proud of him.

He wants her to approve of his actions and decisions.

He wants her to know that she raised a man that can make it on his own. And, that he can execute sound judgment.

This means that most men will not “bring home to mama” somebody they know she will not approve.

He’s not going to embarrass himself by bringing home “just any ole thang”.

He doesn’t want her to look at him with those piercing eyes that say, “Son, who in the world did you bring into my house? You can do better.

This means that only the “cream of the crop” gets to meet mama!

Now, I’m not talking about a coincidental meeting where the couple is out and the guy may say, “Hey, let’s run by my mom’s house so I can pick something up”. That was just an accidental meeting with no real meaning.

No, I’m talking about the kind of meeting that usually lasts for an extended period of time; something like a family dinner or, family get together where the woman KNOWS that something is at stake.

It’s the kind of occasion that puts butterflies in both of their stomachs!

These types of occasions don’t happen everyday…and they don’t just pop up out of nowhere. They are usually planned, and they’re a BIG deal.

The stakes are high!

When a man decides he wants to introduce a woman to his mother or, that he wants them to spend an extended amount of time together, what he wants to see is how they will connect. How will they get along. And how much his mother approves or, disapproves, of his choice.

Mothers have a sixth sense about people.

They know who and what is good for their sons.

Men know this and most will trust their mother’s judgment without question.

I know that many women may object and say, “He’s a mama’s boy!” or, “He should be able to make his own decisions!

That may be true.

However, most MOTHERS will agree with me and say, “That’s right! He better bring her home to me and let me check her out before he gets too serious about her!

Yes, men want their dads to be proud too.

But it is usually mama’s approval that determines who gets his heart and, who get’s the boot.

If mama ain’t happy with her then, most likely he ain’t gone be happy with her!

Number Two:

Will she make a good mother?”

Believe it or not, before a man will allow himself to get emotionally tied to a woman who he’s involved, he will often ask himself questions about what kind of mother would she make.

This question is one that addresses a woman’s character. Her “heart”. It relates to who she is as a person and, as a woman.

When a man begins to get serious about a woman he will often ask himself, “Will she be a good caregiver, nurturer, and support system in the life of my child?

Under this broad question the following questions also fall:

  • Is she caring?
  • Can she cook?
  • Is she lazy?
  • How does she keep her house?
  • Will she help raise my children to be “good people”?

Most men would not want to be in a serious and committed relationship with someone that they think will be a “bad” mother.

There’s too much at stake!

A man wants to know in his heart that in the event something should happen to him, his children would be in good hands after he’s gone.

Now, I’m not talking about the type of guy that could care less who he impregnates. I’m talking about MOST men; the average guy that is looking for a lifelong partner who will be the mother of his children.

Men want to be in positive and committed relationships just like women. It may not seem so but, it’s true.

And we also want to know that the woman who we decide is good for us will also be good for our children. Even if the children are not even born yet.

Men understand that fathers are the provider. The protector. The one that lays down the law and will “tan that tail” when they need to.

Men also realize that mothers are most often a child’s first teacher. She’s the one who can turn a house into a home. And she’s usually the one who will kiss the child’s pain away after daddy has “tanned” the child’s tail.

Mothers are special.

And when a man get’s involved with a woman, the question of if she will make a good mother will always be somewhere in his mind.

Number Three:

Can I talk to her?” (which really means “Can I trust her?”)

Sometimes it takes a lot of prodding for a woman to get her man to “talk”.

That’s not to say he doesn’t’ want to communicate his feelings or, that he doesn’t care about her. And it doesn’t mean he’s not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Sometimes it just means that he does not trust her enough to let her know his innermost feelings.

He does not want to expose himself to what he knows could be a vulnerable situation.

Why?

Because men aren’t suppose to be vulnerable! That’s not what we were made out of. (“Snips and snails and puppy dog tails…”, remember?)

Now, I know that’s not true.

No relationship can develop into its full potential without the involved parties risking a certain amount of vulnerability.

But what I know to be true and what men actually do are two different things.

Most women have no problem opening themselves up to express their feelings.

For men it can be a little harder.

It takes time for us to open up.

A man wants to know that what he tells a woman will be held in the strictest confidence. He wants to know she is loyal to him and, will not spread his “secrets”.

He wants to know he can trust her.

And to a man trust means, “Can I tell her ANYTHING with full confidence that she will not judge, condemn, or blab it to her friends”.

If a man does not think he can trust a woman then, he won’t commit to her.

He may do EVERYTHING else, but he won’t commit…FULLY.

Women talk. I know that’s a generalization but, it’s also a truth.

Men don’t talk; at least not at the outset of a relationship.

If a man thinks that a woman can not control her urge to “share” then he won’t trust her with his “secrets” (feelings, emotions, etc.)…and he won’t trust her with his heart.

When a man finds a woman that he can “bear his soul” without hesitation, he knows he has found a “a keeper”.

What say you? (Yes, no, maybe so?) Let me know what you think. Tell me some of your experiences in the comments section below. (And let’s link up on Twitter: @attractandkeep.)