“Here’s One Lie That Men Tell Women”

Crossed-Fingers

Photo by: Katie Tegtmeyer

This post was inspired by a query sent out by a reporter who asked the question: “What’s A Lie That Men Tell? And Why Do They Tell It?”. Below is my response to her question.

Here is one lie that men tell women: “It’s not you, it’s ME!

And here’s why they tell it.

A man will tell this lie to a woman because he wants to get out of the relationship but, he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. (Of course it’s her!)

Men will go to great lengths to avoid hurting a woman’s feelings.

There is usually no consideration that what they are doing or saying could possibly end up hurting the woman more than if they just tell the truth.

Many men underestimate the emotional strength of women.

They feel like if they tell a woman who they are in a relationship with that they are not happy then, the woman will fall to pieces and become an “emotional wreck”.

No man wants to see a woman cry. A woman’s tears are like kryptonite to most men!

Many men would rather risk being seen as a “heel” than to hurt a woman’s feelings.

Men must come to realize that women are not fragile like glass and, don’t need to be coddled. Men must learn to speak with the same directness that women do.

We, as men, must be able to have the tough conversations without regard to generalities, stereotypes or fear. 

What do you think? Have you ever heard “It’s not you, it’s me” before? Have you ever said that? Share thoughts in the Comments section.

Are you on Twitter? Let’s connect @attractandkeep.com.

Do You Want To Go On More Dates? Go Exercise!

This post was inspired by a query sent out by a reporter for ideas for “exercise dates”. I have reprinted my suggestions to her in this article.

“How To Get Fit While Dating”

This suggestion is how a person can get fit while actively dating. It will give your readers an idea on how to use “exercise dates” to meet great women and get fit! (And even though I give this example using a man, a woman can use this idea as well.)

My suggestion is to: Invite the potential beau to train with them for a 5k race and, use the C25K (Couch to 5K) training program and app to help them do it.

The C25K program (app) uses weekly interval training that prepares the participant(s) to run a 5K (3.1 miles) race.

Each workout alternates between walking and running. Using this as a way to courtship will give the guy multiple opportunities to see, date, or court the person of their desire. (This idea can be used for both men and women!)

Here’s how the program can be used:

The guy invites a woman (or women) to train. They walk (giving them a chance to talk and get to know each other) and then run (giving them a workout). They continue this routine multiple times over the duration of that day’s workout.

The runners can go to a local “cool off” place to relax or rest after the workout is completed. (If the guy decides to invite more than one person then that can increase his chances of finding a great match.)

Using this idea gives the guy an opportunity to get to know his training partner, while spending time with her.

The training program last several weeks which allows for multiple “dates”.

If things work out, the guy has been able to form a great relationship!

If things don’t workout, they both will have received the benefits of the training!

It’s win-win!!!

What do you think? Would you take a date out for a run or, some other type of exercising activity? Share thoughts in the Comments section.

Are you on Twitter? Let’s connect @attractandkeep.com.

Lessons in Love

love-blocks

(This is a special guest post by the author, KT Elgin.)

Often we consider how we learn to love and consider and reconsider the lessons we have learned about how to love.

It occurred to me that my father, who has been a constant in my life, taught me my first lessons of how to be loved.

He and my mother have been married for close to 45 years and I watched him first love my mother. He still compliments her everyday and calls her just to say I love you.

As a little girl my dad told his three girls that we were reminders that God existed. So as women we believed we were valuable.

Now admittedly, we were all spoiled just a bit by my dad, but he would say it was because we were deserving. So as a woman, I understand that I am deserving of love. Today these lessons of love I learned from my father are what help to guide me in my journey to finding my own husband. However, the lessons I have recently learned on how to love, I have gained from my nephews.

My nephews have taught me that loving a man requires patience and reassurance that helps to subside their spoken and unspoken doubts in themselves.

This is not to say that men are balls of insecurities, not at all. Because for everything my beautiful nephews doubt about themselves, they are quick to remind me of all the things that they are the best at doing.

But there are those moments, if you are fortunate enough for them to trust you to open up and share; you quickly realize how the world diminishes the number of outlets for them to express their fears and concerns, without their masculinity being questioned.

When my youngest nephew asks, “do you think that was a smart answer?” And I tell him I think that was a “brilliant answer,” I mean it.

I don’t say it just to placate him, but I really have found that this 6 year old really does have some brilliant responses, but he is unsure of just how smart he is. In comparison, when in relationships with previous partners I felt they didn’t need me to affirm them, hell they were men, right?

But the lessons in love I have learned from these two boys, I am thrilled to take into my next relationship.

I will remember that in the moments that he trusts me enough to share his fears or doubts with me are to be treasured.

I understand that although he may lose the innocence of my 6 year old nephew and how he asks the questions, may change; my earnest response that reminds him of just how good I believe he is the right response.

I have learned that instead of thinking,” you’re the man right?” If I believe him to be the right man for me, he requires thoughtful delicacy in how I respond in that treasurable moment.

The lessons of how to be loved learned from my father, combined with how I will choose to love, that I have learned from my nephews will make the next man I fall in love with very lucky.

Loving is a choice, but loving someone as they deserve to be love requires constant reflection on our own lessons of love.

We must be willing to correct or change lessons that fail us and refuse without exceptions to yield lessons that we know to be right.

I look forward to hearing from you and what lessons you have learned along the way on your journeys to love.

KT Elgin

What do you think? What lessons have you recently learned about loving. Share some of your experiences in the comments section below. (And let’s link up on Twitter: @attractandkeep.)

3 Important Questions Men Ask Themselves Before They Commit To A Relationship (Or Will Make Her Bae)

holding-hands

There are three questions that most men will ask themselves before they wholeheartedly commit themselves to a woman.  

These questions have nothing to do with love because love is a given. I don’t believe a majority of men will marry, or commit to a woman, if they don’t really love her. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen because I’m sure it happens all the time.

The kind of commitment that I’m referring to is the kind that makes a man want to turn in his “player card” and go “all in”.

I’m talking about the questions that a man will ask himself before he emotionally, not rationally, commits his all to a woman.

These are the questions that men use as a measuring stick to determine is she is “the one”.

Here we go!

Number One:

Can I take her home to mama?

There’s a picture that my brother gave to my mother as a gift that says, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

This is a true statement on so many levels!

A man’s mother is his sounding board.

His rock!

Every man (at least most) wants his mother to be proud of him.

He wants her to approve of his actions and decisions.

He wants her to know that she raised a man that can make it on his own. And, that he can execute sound judgment.

This means that most men will not “bring home to mama” somebody they know she will not approve.

He’s not going to embarrass himself by bringing home “just any ole thang”.

He doesn’t want her to look at him with those piercing eyes that say, “Son, who in the world did you bring into my house? You can do better.

This means that only the “cream of the crop” gets to meet mama!

Now, I’m not talking about a coincidental meeting where the couple is out and the guy may say, “Hey, let’s run by my mom’s house so I can pick something up”. That was just an accidental meeting with no real meaning.

No, I’m talking about the kind of meeting that usually lasts for an extended period of time; something like a family dinner or, family get together where the woman KNOWS that something is at stake.

It’s the kind of occasion that puts butterflies in both of their stomachs!

These types of occasions don’t happen everyday…and they don’t just pop up out of nowhere. They are usually planned, and they’re a BIG deal.

The stakes are high!

When a man decides he wants to introduce a woman to his mother or, that he wants them to spend an extended amount of time together, what he wants to see is how they will connect. How will they get along. And how much his mother approves or, disapproves, of his choice.

Mothers have a sixth sense about people.

They know who and what is good for their sons.

Men know this and most will trust their mother’s judgment without question.

I know that many women may object and say, “He’s a mama’s boy!” or, “He should be able to make his own decisions!

That may be true.

However, most MOTHERS will agree with me and say, “That’s right! He better bring her home to me and let me check her out before he gets too serious about her!

Yes, men want their dads to be proud too.

But it is usually mama’s approval that determines who gets his heart and, who get’s the boot.

If mama ain’t happy with her then, most likely he ain’t gone be happy with her!

Number Two:

Will she make a good mother?”

Believe it or not, before a man will allow himself to get emotionally tied to a woman who he’s involved, he will often ask himself questions about what kind of mother would she make.

This question is one that addresses a woman’s character. Her “heart”. It relates to who she is as a person and, as a woman.

When a man begins to get serious about a woman he will often ask himself, “Will she be a good caregiver, nurturer, and support system in the life of my child?

Under this broad question the following questions also fall:

  • Is she caring?
  • Can she cook?
  • Is she lazy?
  • How does she keep her house?
  • Will she help raise my children to be “good people”?

Most men would not want to be in a serious and committed relationship with someone that they think will be a “bad” mother.

There’s too much at stake!

A man wants to know in his heart that in the event something should happen to him, his children would be in good hands after he’s gone.

Now, I’m not talking about the type of guy that could care less who he impregnates. I’m talking about MOST men; the average guy that is looking for a lifelong partner who will be the mother of his children.

Men want to be in positive and committed relationships just like women. It may not seem so but, it’s true.

And we also want to know that the woman who we decide is good for us will also be good for our children. Even if the children are not even born yet.

Men understand that fathers are the provider. The protector. The one that lays down the law and will “tan that tail” when they need to.

Men also realize that mothers are most often a child’s first teacher. She’s the one who can turn a house into a home. And she’s usually the one who will kiss the child’s pain away after daddy has “tanned” the child’s tail.

Mothers are special.

And when a man get’s involved with a woman, the question of if she will make a good mother will always be somewhere in his mind.

Number Three:

Can I talk to her?” (which really means “Can I trust her?”)

Sometimes it takes a lot of prodding for a woman to get her man to “talk”.

That’s not to say he doesn’t’ want to communicate his feelings or, that he doesn’t care about her. And it doesn’t mean he’s not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Sometimes it just means that he does not trust her enough to let her know his innermost feelings.

He does not want to expose himself to what he knows could be a vulnerable situation.

Why?

Because men aren’t suppose to be vulnerable! That’s not what we were made out of. (“Snips and snails and puppy dog tails…”, remember?)

Now, I know that’s not true.

No relationship can develop into its full potential without the involved parties risking a certain amount of vulnerability.

But what I know to be true and what men actually do are two different things.

Most women have no problem opening themselves up to express their feelings.

For men it can be a little harder.

It takes time for us to open up.

A man wants to know that what he tells a woman will be held in the strictest confidence. He wants to know she is loyal to him and, will not spread his “secrets”.

He wants to know he can trust her.

And to a man trust means, “Can I tell her ANYTHING with full confidence that she will not judge, condemn, or blab it to her friends”.

If a man does not think he can trust a woman then, he won’t commit to her.

He may do EVERYTHING else, but he won’t commit…FULLY.

Women talk. I know that’s a generalization but, it’s also a truth.

Men don’t talk; at least not at the outset of a relationship.

If a man thinks that a woman can not control her urge to “share” then he won’t trust her with his “secrets” (feelings, emotions, etc.)…and he won’t trust her with his heart.

When a man finds a woman that he can “bear his soul” without hesitation, he knows he has found a “a keeper”.

What say you? (Yes, no, maybe so?) Let me know what you think. Tell me some of your experiences in the comments section below. (And let’s link up on Twitter: @attractandkeep.)

Stop Being Cheap In Relationships (Part Two)

Don’t be cheap in relationships.

(This is the second post of a two-part series on how “being cheap” can negatively affect all aspects of your your life. Read part one here.)

Did you know that it’s possible for a person to be cheap in a relationship and, it would have NOTHING to do with money? In Part One of “Stop Being Cheap” we took a look at how being cheap can diminish the quality of our lives by causing us to have a “miser’s mentality”. But being cheap can also diminish the quality of our relationships, especially with our significant other. Let’s take a look and see how.

But first, let’s look at some definitions for the word “cheap”. (And later on, I’m going to show you how being “cheap” can apply to both sides of a relationship. The giving AND receiving aspects.)

The word “cheap” can mean:

  1. Charging low prices
  2. Requiring little effort
  3. Of little value
  4. Vulgar
  5. Stingy

Okay, let’s look at the first definition, “charging low prices”.

There are some people that don’t recognize their worth. They will enter into any relationship that comes their way, just so that they can fill some type of emotional or psychological need. These are people that hate being alone.

They may have low self-esteem, and feel that they had better “take what they can get” when comes it to relationships. They may have no, or very low, standards for how they are to be treated. And often they will put up with all kinds of physical or emotional abuse. This type of person gets their self-value from others, and outside of themselves.

I’m sure you can recognize the type. That beautiful friend whose boyfriend cheats as on her as if it’s his birthright…but she stays with him. Or worse, she makes excuses for him.

Then there’s the friend whose girlfriend is partying at the club from Wednesday to Sunday, while leaving him home with their children.

It’s sad.

And often these people will know that they deserve better, but can not pull themselves away because they don’t FEEL like they deserve better.

You can do better! You deserve better! You can have better!

You ARE worth more.

Your value does not come from others. It comes from you. You set your own price. You can set it high or low. The choice is yours. The interesting thing is that people will accept whatever YOU decide.

I challenge you to place a high value on yourself.

The second definition is “requiring little effort”.

There are some people that can be bought with a cheeseburger.

No joke.

Any amount of attention received, no matter how small, can capture their heart.

These are the people that jump into relationships at the first sign of someone’s interest.

They don’t make the other person prove their authenticity, interest, or commitment.

Now, I don’t subscribe to the notion that people should put others through a Navy Seal PT style qualification test.

However, I do believe that no one should sell themselves short, or jump at any and every sign of interest.

Relationships should be built on mutual interest and effort.

I understand that sometimes a gem can not be recognized because of what’s covering it. But I don’t believe that a person should take advantage of another person’s interest in them. If someone likes, and is interested in you, then give them an honest chance to prove it. And let them show you why they are the best choice for you.

And if you are interested in someone, then put forth your best effort to let them know why you are the best choice for them.

The next definition for cheap is “of little value”.

Now this goes both ways.

If you are in a relationship then you should be giving AND receiving some type of value. You can’t be worthless! And you shouldn’t accept worthless! If both of you are not growing and becoming better people then something is wrong.

Some people bring so little to the table that if it was solely on them the relationship would starve.

Being in a relationship means that you are willing to give.

What you give depends on what you have, are, and are willing to become. This means that the other person in the relationship should be receiving something. They must be receiving some type of tangible reward.

There are some people that bring nothing to their relationships except open hands and an empty heart.

They may be physical gold diggers (they want money, sex, food, etc.), or emotional ones (they want affirmation, confirmation, validation, etc.). And because of their selfishness they give little. They are only focused on their own needs and what THEY want.

Give value in your relationships.

If you are going to be in a relationship then be willing to pour abundance into the life of the other person.

And on the other side, make sure that the other person knows that you are a valuable individual that has something precious to offer.

You don’t have to brag or flaunt your worth in the other person’s face.

However, there should be no doubt on how you are adding to the other person’s life.

The next definition of cheap is “vulgar”.

Being vulgar in a relationship can mean being crudeusing obscene or harsh language, or treating the other person with contempt.

Have you ever seen a relationship where one person cracks demeaning jokes at the other person’s expense?

Or how about where one partner is constantly hurling four letter “words” at the other.

And how about a couple that are so antagonistic towards each other that you wonder why they are even together?

Relationships should be uplifting.

And it’s hard to rise when your partner uses words to cut you down.

Now, I’ve seen couples that are BOTH like that.

It seems as if they’re playing a game of “Let’s see who can be the most offensive and shocking”.

Personally, I don’t understand it.

But I’ll never be in it, so I guess it’s not for me to understand.

I’m not talking about that kind of dysfunction. I’m talking about instances where people just don’t care what they say to their partner. They say hurtful things because they don’t care about the impact of their words.

They know that words have power and they choose to use that power as a tyrant.

If that’s you…STOP it!

Put some thoughtful consideration into how you relate to your partner.

Think about the affect that your words can have on your relationship.

And no matter how funny you think something is, jokes, smart remarks, and sarcasm can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. (It could be called “death by a thousand cuts”.)

And if you happen to be in a relationship where you are on the other end of this type of language, I would suggest that you take some time to truly understand why you’re there. And what benefit that you are receiving. And then ask yourself, “Are the benefits worth giving up my self-respect?”

You are worth more.

You don’t have to put up with someone who can not show their respect for you by the words that they choose.

The final definition that we’ll take a look at is “Stingy”.

Now this can be applied to several different aspects of a relationship. It may not seem like it, but it can. Just read on and you’ll see how.

Being stingy means to hold backgive reluctantly, and not be generous.

One way to be stingy in a relationship is to hold back the emotional or physical signs of love and care that should flow through a relationship.

Some people have a hard time expressing love, care, or interest.

Sometimes this can be the result of childhood issues, difficulties from past relationships, or fear of intimacy. The person may feel too vulnerable, and not want to put themselves “too far out there”. Whether the person realizes it our not, they are being stingy (cheap).

They are holding back the exact things that would give depth to the relationship.

These things could be compliments, hugs, encouragement, a gentle touch, or anything else that allows the other person to feel valued and appreciated.

And then there are some people that will withhold those things as a way to punish or manipulate the other person.

They understand how we as humans crave those things, and they will use withholding them as a way to gain power or control.

That’s a loser move! Don’t do it! And don’t stand for it!

Relationships should be nurturing.

A sort of haven where we are refreshed, and refreshing others.

If you have a hard time expressing intimacy, work through it.

Get to the root of the problem.

You may be able to read a good book to help you sort those things out. Or it may take you going to see some type of counselor or therapist. The important thing to remember is that you deserve to be whole. And withholding love, affection, or emotional support is not the actions of a whole person.

And if you are in a relationship with someone like that, then maybe you should take a look into the “why” of you being there.

Are you trying to gain that person’s approval? Are they a “special project” for you? Are you just happy to be in a relationship and will accept any thing? Don’t allow yourself to be shortchanged.

And the last two definitions of stingy, as it relates to being cheap, are “give reluctantly, and not be generous”.

To give reluctantly means to give unwillingly, or with hesitation.

In relationships, this could mean not wanting to compliment someone because we feel they may become “big-headed”. Or, it could mean only giving a compliment to someone only after others have complimented them. Or, it could mean making the other person beg for our time.

And “not be generous” can mean hardly ever saying positive words of encouragement, not giving sufficient time to the relationship, or never giving our loved one tokens of affection.

Nobody likes a stingy person.

And being stingy in a relationship is selfish and self-centered.

Give freely to those you love. Give of yourself. Give of your time.

Give freely as if it’s a joy for you to be able to give.

And the things that you give will eventually flow back to you in abundance.

Don’t be cheap.

Especially when it comes to love and relationships.

(Are you on Twitter? Let’s connect. Find me at @attractandkeep.)

(Photo courtesy of Thomas R. Stegelmann)